More than one person has told me that I’m a strong, independent woman. And to be honest with you, I tell myself that same exact thing all the damn time. Mostly in front of the mirror when I’m wearing socks that Aunt Donna gave me that say “I am confident.” Mostly because I am trying to remind myself that I can be that person, and that we’re all just out here faking it ‘til we make it. Also because I spent far too many years as a wall flower, too shy to interact with others, and it wasn’t any fun. Perhaps most importantly, because why the fuck not?
This boat, this trip, this dream… they’ve been testing me. Normally I kick ass at tests. Just look at my GPA. I can pass a multiple choice test like a mother fucking champ. But these tests? I’m not sure if they’ve proven to me that I am a strong independent woman or not. I keep putting one foot in front of the other, but there have been more days than I’d like to admit where the anxiety wins. However, one thing that has been proven to me is that I am lucky AF to have my support system. On days when I am feeling at my lowest, I have people willing to listen, or tell me a joke, or help me figure out how many pixels my picture should be so it doesn’t crash my satellite connection and make me go prematurely grey, or buy me a glass of wine and talk to me about absolutely anything other than the boat. The only reason I have made it even this far into this nightmare dream is because of them. Which, if you’re reading this, is likely you.
And perhaps that is the reason that leaving is so difficult for me. Because all you jerks are supposed to come with me. I didn’t get here without you, so how the hell am I supposed to keep going and leave you all here? I feel like I’m being abandoned, even though I’m the one that is leaving. It feels a little weird to admit that. Because I
am supposed to be am a strong, independent woman. But one thing that has become abundantly clear, is that however strong I am is thanks to the strong people around me.
Love you all. Thanks for all of the love and encouragement and the safety net.