You know when you’re getting ready for a big vacation and everyone asks if you are starting to get excited? “Oh my gooooooooddddddd I bet you’re just so ready to get the heck out of here! Are you so excited? How long are you going for? Where are you staying? How much does all of this cost?” There is apparently a script that we have all engrained in ourselves of all of the basic questions. At this point, I could record my answers, leaving appropriate pauses, and just playback my responses and no one would be the wiser. If you happen to be one of the people that asked me these very questions, please know that I am not upset at all about it. To know that there are people out there who care enough to ask this stupid dream is wonderful. The tough part is maintaining my cool and smiling through it all when inside my head the script goes something like “SHITSHITSHITAHHHHHHHSHITSHITSHIT! What am I doing?! Whose idea was this? Can’t I just fly to tropical locations for a vacation instead? SHITSHITSHIT!”
During the last few months I have had some extreme anxiety build up. I am not sure how or why it started, but it’s there and it’s real and it’s not fun. In order to deal with all of this anxiety, I have come up with an imaginary friend and I’m sure that this confirms that I have gone off the deep end. Sometimes, I really just need a cheerleader or a jester to make me smile and make me laugh and help me believe that everything is going to be okay. It all came together on one of those nights out with friends, with a few drinks, when things are funnier than they have any right to be. Someone (a genius, most likely) said something along the lines of “What if you had penises for fingers?” And then I said, “Peengirs! That would be a great name for a dog. Specifically, a pug with some crazy eye action and a tongue too long to fit in his mouth.” Tell me that doesn’t bring a smile to your face and I’ll call you a liar. Listen, that little guy has a hard time breathing, snores at night, gets overheated pretty easily, but still believes in me (and you too). Peengirs has all the faith in the world in me, no matter what. Whenever I start to feel overwhelmed, I imagine little Peengirs giving me lots of kisses and running around like a maniac, probably chasing his tail, potentially running into walls, doing whatever he can to make me laugh. I’m stressed about a boat project? Peengirs tells me it’ll be okay. I’m overwhelmed about leaving people I love in Seattle? Peengirs assures me that they aren’t going anywhere and that we can all continue to love one another, despite the distance. Peengirs is the man and I love him and his snoring.
I suppose all of this is to say that this shit – this trip/adventure/endeavor/goal – is really fucking hard. Sure. I’m excited. But that is only one emotion that I have been feeling. One of many. Today we left Seattle and I spent a fair chunk of the day crying and dry heaving from anxiety. Peengirs was with me today, reminding me that I am capable of anything and everything and that it’ll all work out. Maybe this sailing thing won’t be what I expected. Maybe it won’t last a lifetime. Maybe life takes a completely different direction than the one I planned these last several years. There’s no telling. And that’s okay. Peengirs told me so.
So for now. I’m trying to focus on the positives and avoid the dry heaving. It’s not easy, but I’m trying. In the meantime, Craig used the head for the first time since October and it somehow leaked onto the floor. Peengirs, save me.
Siiiiiiide note. If you want to contact the two of us while on this journey, we have some satellite magic shit. We can text unlimited and do some email, too! It’s all text only so don’t get too excited. Instructions are below. Please note, all the messages come to both myself and Craig. So if you wanna talk shit, I’ll know about it.
To text: a free SMS message can be sent (up to 120 characters) from http://www.satphonestore.com. Messages from your phone are billed at approximately 1/2 your per-minute rate per message. (Listen. I’m not sure what that means but I want your texts. So check with your provider and send me some love.) The number to text is 881623448116.
Option 1: email email@example.com to deliver an SMS to the phone (up to 120 characters)
Option 2: email firstname.lastname@example.org and it will come to us as email. Text only.
At some point I will know how you can track this boat by GPS. Today is not that day. I’ve had three glasses of very good wine (thank you Christy and Dan). I’ll keep you up to date. Fret not.